Pink & Blue Make Purple - February 25

Are Men and Women Different?

Emmerson Eggerichs tells us that women see the world with pink sunglasses and hear with pink hearing aids, while men see the world with blue sunglasses and hear with blue hearing aids.

In a hilarious video we heard Mark Gungor's "Tale of Two Brains" where he shows how different we are as men and women in the way we think and respond.

Good Irritations

Those differences can unite or divide. God uses our spouse to be the refining process of our character. Because no matter how irritating my spouse might be, my response is my responsibility. It is not what happens to us, it is what happens to us that makes the difference. Your spouse does not cause you to be the way you are, they merely reveal your true self.

Sand in the bathing suit can at times be extremely irritating, but in the oyster it can lead to a pearl. How we perceive and respond to the irritations of life, especially in the marital relationship, determines the results. Principle: "I can experience hurt, but it is my choice to hate."

Change our prayer from "Change them and bless me" to "Change me and bless them."

"Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God's will to be revealed in our lives."

Whining and contempt has never drawn a spouse in. "Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect."

Ephesians 5:31-33

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

God commands men to love their wife and women to respect their husbands. Not because they deserve it or earn it, but because it is what God commands us to do. Ultimately we are really showing respect and love to God when we do it for our spouse, irregardless of their reciprocation or lack their of. When husband and wife are united as one in mutual submission and in submission as one under God, pink and blue can make for purple: hearts fully united and devoted.

The Safest Place - February 18th

Our focus this month has been on strengthening marriages. The principles we have learned can be applied in all relationships. Tonight our goal was to learn how to make our marriages the safest place on earth for our spouse. To kick off, we watched a short clip from Princess Bride on "Mawridge."

Then we looked at Ephesians 4:29-32 and made observations about how we are to treat each other in relationship, especially in marriage: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

We quickly reacted to and formed opinions on the picture above and realized we are very quick to form opinions and judge based on first impressions. We often slide into treating badly the ones we love the most. The same common courtesy and consideration we show to strangers or acquaintances, we often neglect to show our own spouse.

What makes for a safe place? A place where each spouse can share and express themselves without fear of: judgement, blaming, not being heard, rejection of feelings, rejection by body language or tone of voice, too quick and one sided solution forced on them, and becoming the enemy not the partner in meeting the challenge.

The Bucks were good sports and demostrated the "Trust Fall," as an illustration of the trust that must be there in a marriage, to know that my spouse will safely catch me. That level of vulnerability with each other is where becoming "one" is truly acheived.

We would love to give a "Chill Pill" like we saw in the video, but want to avoid the side effect of the bacon like body odor!? But we know that to make our relationship safe, we have to "be proactive for them, not reactive to them." Biblically, a married couple is one flesh. So if one hurts, the other hurts. If one is happy the other is happy. If one lashes out at the other, he or she is lashing at themselves. Then nobody wins, even if one feels they have "won."

We ended with a discussion of how to make each of the six levels of conversation (communication) safe:

1. small talk
2. facts
3. opinions
4. feelings
5. needs
6. beliefs
   

What is Love? February 11

Valetine's Day is this Saturday and "Love is in the Air!"

But, what is love?

We saw a monster of a squeaky Barry White music video!

Love is a Choice

Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

A great resource on the issue of love and respect is Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs' book "Love and Respect" and website: http://www.loveandrespect.com/

LOVE: Making the choice everyday to treat them with love and respect.
LOVE: Giving someone what they need the most when they deserve it the least
LOVE: Committing to being committed and choosing to work on your own attitudes and habits.
LOVE: Doing your best to be selfless and serve one another.
LOVE: Conscious choice we must make because there are many times when we don't "feel" like loving.
LOVE: An unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
LOVE: What is left in a relationship after selfishness is removed
LOVE: Is action that knows that the feeling will often have to catch up later
LOVE: Is commanded by God to love Him, love your spouse, love your neighbor, and even love your enemy!

We saw the AFV's "Love Boat." According to their formula people can fall in and out of love several times in a 30 minute episode! But is that real love?

Real love is a choice.

LOVE IS NOT: A feeling; they come and go and may or may not accompany our love
LOVE IS NOT: Perfect circumstances
LOVE IS NOT: A reaction to how the other person treats you

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

LOVE'S SOURCE: God is love. The greatest expression is JESUS. Jesus' love is a love so profound that He died for us - took our place on the cross. And we didn't even deserve it! Until we can grasp this love of our Father, we are not capable of truly loving another.

1 John 4:7-12 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

The ability to love our spouse and others comes from a love relationship with God. We are incapable without his indwelling Spirit to love another the way He does.

Secret to a Strong Marriage - February 4

We discussed why marriages are in trouble today.

We made observations from Ephesians 5:25-33

We saw a funny video of Noah and his wife and how they "discussed" the Ark.

The secret is security. Security is the freedom to truly open up and be known at a deep, intimate level without the fear of being blamed, criticized, judged, condemned or deemed unacceptable.

We discussed what makes a spouse feel secure.

Steps for providing security:

1. Die to self (Luke 9:23).
2. Value them as much as God does (John 3:16). Become a student of your spouse.
3. Have a Commital Ceremony: Die to a "Plan B" (Mark 10:9). Don't even toy with or bring up the idea there being an alternative to a life long commitment.

ParentZone January 28, 2009

We first looked at the world around us in regards to parenting. Are parents too permissive or too strict?


Then we made some observations from the Bible:


The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Proverbs 29:15,17 (NIV)

Then we reviewed our basic diagram based on Ephesians 6:1-2 about how to keep our children in God's safe zone before watching a child get into the danger zone in the hilarious video Baptism Cannonball.

After which we dealt with the basics of spanking as a part of the discipline of our children. We established that it is always to be in conjunction with a lifestyle of rich communication with our child as we studied last week.

What spanking is NOT...

1. An act of anger or frustration
2. Public display or spectacle
3. For childish behavior

What spanking is...

1. Act of trust in God's ways
2. Parent's responsibility
3. Sets stage for obeying God

Words to accompany it...

1. Reassure them of your love and that is not because of anger
2. Restate clearly what they did wrong and that it was against God
3. Acknowledgement and repentance from the child
4. After the spanking, reassure them of your unconditional love and hold them close

Especially effective in preschool and elementary years.

If you do not have rich communication with your child, then you have no ground for using spanking.

A Full Deck

January 21st Family FX

January has been focused on discipline.

Tonight we dealt we had fun talking to each other about the joys of parenting with all its funny, challenging and rewarding moments. Responding appropriately to our child in parenting is very important. If you over react it could cause insecurity in your child. If you under react, you could fail to stop wrong attitudes, habits and behaviors.

The Bible has many references on tailoring our responses to the person (child):

And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 (NIV)

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 2 Timothy 3:16 (NIV)

We also had fun watching an over reaction in the Reebok Super Bowl Commercial from 2003: "Terry Tate - Office Linebacker".

Then we went over the eight biblical responses we can use in parenting in the form of a deck of cards. To parent with a "full deck" we need to become masters at matching the response to the situation.

1. Encouragement: When your child knows he is wrong, and/or realizes he is powerless to change his own personality.

2. Correction: When your child is doing wrong, but does not realize it.

3. Rebuke: When you need to express your shock or dismay at your child’s behavior to impress how wrong it is.

4. Entreaty: (Pleading Intently) —When your child needs to understand about very serious subjects that have dire consequences.

5. Instruction: When you know your child does not know how to handle a situation and you need to give her guidance in advance on how to respond.

6. Warnings: When you know that your child soon will face pitfalls in life, you teach him biblical admonitions.

7. Teaching: When appropriate during the day’s activities and also in structured times, you help your child grow in knowledge about God, the Bible, life, relationships, and the world.

8. Prayer: In the times of praying together, your child can hear your concerns before God and you can hear theirs.

Our accountability challenge this week is to keep your "full deck" ready and play the right response. Be ready to celebrate next week how God worked through you to shape the heart and behavior of your child.

ParentZone for Wednesday, January 14

In January our focus will be on Discipline
Tonight's focus is on How God disciplines us and how that impacts our parenting.


Hebrews 12:5-11 (New International Version)

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:


"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."


Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.


Although the context of these verses are to encourage believers that are going through hardships, it yields a great deal of insight into relationship of a parent and child concerning discipline.


Last week we talked about the ultimate weapon in parenting and in particular disciplining your child is PRAYER. This week we look at the ULTIMATE PARENT God and how He relates to us. As God's agents in authority over our children, we need to emulate his love in many ways - including expressing it in discipline.


Ulimate end: A child who grows into an adult who loves God and others, leads a fruitful life that expands the kingdom of God. It also leads to a peaceful home that is characterized by children who have been trained to obey without complaint, excuse or delay.


Ultimate poise: A child who knows what is expected and what the consequences of not doing the right thing. A child who knows that his parent will not use emotional ploys, yelling, manipulation or other forms of manipulation to control them.


Ultimate expression: A child who has no question as to whether their parent unconditionally loves them, even when they have to receive discipline.

We had fun learning from Bob Newhart how to just "Stop It!" However, we decided to let our Bible passage change our parenting. We each thought of a action to do this week to be more like God in our parenting. Can't wait to hear what God does in our parenting as we apply His Word this week!

See you next Wednesday.

Yours in Christ,
Doug Bedgood

Family FX ParentZone for January 7

In January our focus will be on Discipline

Today's Study - A Christian Parent's Secret Weapon in Discipline: Prayer

"God has not called you to be the perfect parent. Yet, He has called you to be a praying parent." Dr. Kevin Meador

You are not going to be 100% perfect in parenting - God, the perfect parent, by His grace changes your child from the inside out as you pray for them.

Although God still is calling you to function as His agent in disciplining your child, you should be totally dependent on Him to see true heart change in your child. Prayer is the "Declaration of Dependence."

Cosmic Struggle enters Family Realm

Ephesians 6:

vss. 1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

vs. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

vs. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Goal: See my child's character, heart and behavior change from developing specific prayers for my child.

• Make a list - What character traits, heart and behavior changes do I believe God would have in my child?
• Add power of the Word - What Scripture can I pray over my child as seek these things from God?
• Take the Challenge - Write out a prayer for your child to commit to pray each day for three weeks and keep a record of what God does.