Pink & Blue Make Purple - February 25

Are Men and Women Different?

Emmerson Eggerichs tells us that women see the world with pink sunglasses and hear with pink hearing aids, while men see the world with blue sunglasses and hear with blue hearing aids.

In a hilarious video we heard Mark Gungor's "Tale of Two Brains" where he shows how different we are as men and women in the way we think and respond.

Good Irritations

Those differences can unite or divide. God uses our spouse to be the refining process of our character. Because no matter how irritating my spouse might be, my response is my responsibility. It is not what happens to us, it is what happens to us that makes the difference. Your spouse does not cause you to be the way you are, they merely reveal your true self.

Sand in the bathing suit can at times be extremely irritating, but in the oyster it can lead to a pearl. How we perceive and respond to the irritations of life, especially in the marital relationship, determines the results. Principle: "I can experience hurt, but it is my choice to hate."

Change our prayer from "Change them and bless me" to "Change me and bless them."

"Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God's will to be revealed in our lives."

Whining and contempt has never drawn a spouse in. "Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect."

Ephesians 5:31-33

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

God commands men to love their wife and women to respect their husbands. Not because they deserve it or earn it, but because it is what God commands us to do. Ultimately we are really showing respect and love to God when we do it for our spouse, irregardless of their reciprocation or lack their of. When husband and wife are united as one in mutual submission and in submission as one under God, pink and blue can make for purple: hearts fully united and devoted.

The Safest Place - February 18th

Our focus this month has been on strengthening marriages. The principles we have learned can be applied in all relationships. Tonight our goal was to learn how to make our marriages the safest place on earth for our spouse. To kick off, we watched a short clip from Princess Bride on "Mawridge."

Then we looked at Ephesians 4:29-32 and made observations about how we are to treat each other in relationship, especially in marriage: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

We quickly reacted to and formed opinions on the picture above and realized we are very quick to form opinions and judge based on first impressions. We often slide into treating badly the ones we love the most. The same common courtesy and consideration we show to strangers or acquaintances, we often neglect to show our own spouse.

What makes for a safe place? A place where each spouse can share and express themselves without fear of: judgement, blaming, not being heard, rejection of feelings, rejection by body language or tone of voice, too quick and one sided solution forced on them, and becoming the enemy not the partner in meeting the challenge.

The Bucks were good sports and demostrated the "Trust Fall," as an illustration of the trust that must be there in a marriage, to know that my spouse will safely catch me. That level of vulnerability with each other is where becoming "one" is truly acheived.

We would love to give a "Chill Pill" like we saw in the video, but want to avoid the side effect of the bacon like body odor!? But we know that to make our relationship safe, we have to "be proactive for them, not reactive to them." Biblically, a married couple is one flesh. So if one hurts, the other hurts. If one is happy the other is happy. If one lashes out at the other, he or she is lashing at themselves. Then nobody wins, even if one feels they have "won."

We ended with a discussion of how to make each of the six levels of conversation (communication) safe:

1. small talk
2. facts
3. opinions
4. feelings
5. needs
6. beliefs
   

What is Love? February 11

Valetine's Day is this Saturday and "Love is in the Air!"

But, what is love?

We saw a monster of a squeaky Barry White music video!

Love is a Choice

Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

A great resource on the issue of love and respect is Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs' book "Love and Respect" and website: http://www.loveandrespect.com/

LOVE: Making the choice everyday to treat them with love and respect.
LOVE: Giving someone what they need the most when they deserve it the least
LOVE: Committing to being committed and choosing to work on your own attitudes and habits.
LOVE: Doing your best to be selfless and serve one another.
LOVE: Conscious choice we must make because there are many times when we don't "feel" like loving.
LOVE: An unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.
LOVE: What is left in a relationship after selfishness is removed
LOVE: Is action that knows that the feeling will often have to catch up later
LOVE: Is commanded by God to love Him, love your spouse, love your neighbor, and even love your enemy!

We saw the AFV's "Love Boat." According to their formula people can fall in and out of love several times in a 30 minute episode! But is that real love?

Real love is a choice.

LOVE IS NOT: A feeling; they come and go and may or may not accompany our love
LOVE IS NOT: Perfect circumstances
LOVE IS NOT: A reaction to how the other person treats you

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

LOVE'S SOURCE: God is love. The greatest expression is JESUS. Jesus' love is a love so profound that He died for us - took our place on the cross. And we didn't even deserve it! Until we can grasp this love of our Father, we are not capable of truly loving another.

1 John 4:7-12 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

The ability to love our spouse and others comes from a love relationship with God. We are incapable without his indwelling Spirit to love another the way He does.

Secret to a Strong Marriage - February 4

We discussed why marriages are in trouble today.

We made observations from Ephesians 5:25-33

We saw a funny video of Noah and his wife and how they "discussed" the Ark.

The secret is security. Security is the freedom to truly open up and be known at a deep, intimate level without the fear of being blamed, criticized, judged, condemned or deemed unacceptable.

We discussed what makes a spouse feel secure.

Steps for providing security:

1. Die to self (Luke 9:23).
2. Value them as much as God does (John 3:16). Become a student of your spouse.
3. Have a Commital Ceremony: Die to a "Plan B" (Mark 10:9). Don't even toy with or bring up the idea there being an alternative to a life long commitment.